So, I think I failed at this resolution.

April 16, 2012 at 3:12 am (Dating)
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And I’m okay with the idea of failure because I can warp it to where I’m a winner… and I like winning things.

Yesterday out of the blue someone I once knew contacted me and asked me “What’s Dating on Purpose?” (Apparently my stuff is getting around. – and he also doesn’t know how to read) I gave him the short run down about how it was a New Year’s Resolution to take dating seriously and make an actual effort to do so. Then he asked “What does one need to do to be considered for a date?”

First, I vomited.

Then, I answered as honestly has possible “At first I was to accept any date, then I got pickier, and in the end decided to only go on dates with people named (insert Mr. Amazing’s name here)”

So, in three and a half months I have met and went out with a total of ONE person. I had a friend point out that after the fact that it was hopeless for me to attempt to date anyone else because I wouldn’t consider anyone else a serious contender and I would be as off putting as possible – and probably try to make them cry. This was true, so I stopped going on field trips to book stores or attempting to look like a fool practicing yoga – and even what a few months ago was determined as my “field day” when the festival came to town to find a date – I chose to argue with a politician and promise the corndog guy I’d give him my sisters phone number if he let me cut in line.

But, it wasn’t really until last night when this person contacted me that I realized how much I didn’t want to “date”. It seemed like a waste of time in which I’d have to probably cut off his fingers one by one and driven nails through his urethra. There was absolutely no appeal to it because I’m still stomping around like a child shouting “I like the first one!!!”

So, back to the guy who randomly decided that he should qualify to be dating material on my irrational and absurd standard scale. You’d think he’d have gotten the hint in my profession that he had the wrong fucking name. There was no changing that. But, he decided to just keep digging by asking “Well, what would someone who isn’t named (insert amazing name here) have to do to pull you away.”

What the fuck?

Who does that?

I believe my response was along the lines of “It’s not a game of trading up, but if it were, you would be considered a trade down in my opinion so you should at least attempt to work a new angle.” – But I was seriously insulted by this personally, and then I felt insulted for the bulk of humanity. I won’t deny that I’m superficial, it’s a running joke that I won’t keep ugly friends. But I find it troubling that humanity might actually work this way.

“Hey, you’re cool and all, and I totally am into you, but you see that guy over there? He’s shinier so, I’m going to go with him now!”

Now, here is the catch. I’ve been replaced a time or two in my life with a new shiny toy… and it didn’t feel very good. Why would I do that to someone? I mean, lets be serious for a moment. I’m not a “nice” person, I do some fucked up shit to people some times – but I have tact enough to avoid doing fucked up shit to people I deem important to me. I’m only a bitch to 90% of the population that I don’t like – and I don’t like this guy who makes me want to vomit at the sight of his face telling me I should live up to my resolution in a classless disturbing way. RESOLUTION MUTHAFUCKING CANCELED!

So, after spending an hour explaining to this douche that social networking is not “fate”.. it’s a common ever day occurrence for douchebags that you once knew to track you down years later an then pointing out exactly how sad and lonely his existence must truly be and pointing out every plausible personal issue he must in fact have and I almost insisted that if he had a guitar string close at hand he should just go ahead and wrap it around his neck (best run on sentence EVER). In the end, this gentleman informs me he plans to masturbate to the thought of me while going to sleep. (Andrew is doing a horrible job at being my facebook spouse if these guys keep getting through).

It’s been said a time or two that I’m “… an easy person to fall in love with,” but I’m “a hard person to love.” I believe I understand this. Probably three months ago someone who I have mad respect for as a person, someone who has an amazing mind and personality decided to confess that he was in love with me. I was taken aback at first. This was actually painful because, like I said, I don’t like to hurt important people but I really had no idea where this idea came from.

I had just started talking to Mr. Amazing (this was even before he was dubbed Mr. Amazing and was aiming for the title of Mr. Smooth Talker) So, I had a bit of an out with that saying “I’m sorry, but I just starting seeing someone else and I want to see where it goes”… but I didn’t like that because it left it open to hope. So, after accusing him of drinking too much to determine his level of sobriety we had a real live adult conversation about emotions. This is really a topic I dislike having conversations about. But, in the end I determined he simply loved the idea of me. Yea, sure I was thrown arguments about how I don’t know how he feels and it’s real… but in the end, he saw the same thing I did. I’m a great enigma. Not knowing me is most of the appeal, because the idea of who I am is far more enticing that who I actually am.

He liked the fact that I got his jokes, that I could understand his abstract rhetoric, that I could combat and argument and win with five words. I went over this problem a few posts back about expecting people to be something for someone when in actuality… someone has to be something for themselves. I’m not as amazing as I pretend to be and the illusion of who I am suppose to be fades. And that is hard to love. It’s a reoccurring pattern I’ve noticed. I’m exciting until they see just how dull I am.

For example, today I spent most of the morning making bootleg DVD’s to take to Mr. Amazing’s sick bed before I went to work, the day before the highlight was getting a textbook I ordered in the mail, the day before that I hung out at an auto repair shop with Mr. Amazing for a bit because I seriously had nothing else to do with my life and then decided later to learn what World of Warcraft was about. All pretty dull tasks for someone who can pass themselves off as one of the most amazing people you will ever meet!

So, did I create some sort of monogamy in pseudo relationship with Mr. Amazing in my own head just as an effort to avoid the slimy reptiles that find me? Or, have I read to much into it? OR, is there some level of wishful thinking I won’t even let myself be privy to? — I guess this is something to ponder and over think.

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“Main Street” is a traveling freak show.

April 15, 2012 at 1:28 am (Randomness)
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So, today I went to a little festival held every year in the small town of Texas where I like to call home. Mr. Amazing got out of being dragged there by his pretty roots due to the fact that he was sick, or I would have made him come with me.

Anyway, I am meandering around looking at booths full of things people make with welding guns, sewing machines, and whatever fruit they can grow in their back yard all while avoiding direct contact with anyone. (I seriously hate crowds with a passion, and I swear to everything holy that this one little old lady RACED out to jump in front of me with her walker only to just stop and walk at a snails pace. I seriously saw her booking it to get in front of me – I swear)

I go into the local Republican headquarters to get a sticker for my car (one that I planned to alter and personalize). So, as I’m in there collecting freebies I see a man, roughly middle age with his family in there all wearing matching t-shirts. How disgustingly cute. As it turns out this man is running for congress and is at the festival to shake hands and kiss babies. (Those were his exact words).

Now, because I really really really want to be on the top of the list for those chosen to attend the new adult summer camp sponsored by FEMA – I decide to talk to him. He extended his hand to shake mine (by the way, proper etiquette states that a gentleman should not extend his hand to a lady first – so strike one for having bad manners) Now, I take a shit ton of vitamins so I don’t get sick and junk, however, that doesn’t mean that because I’m not infected with the sickness of fever and sore throats that I’m not a carrier of Mr. Amazing’s ailment, so I shake his hand.

Like a good concerned citizen of the community I decided to ask probing questions about his platform, what he supported, what he wanted to change… and he gave me all the typical talking points that don’t amount to anything. “We’re going to bring back Main Street” type stuff – but I don’t think he quite understood that Main Street was right outside, pitched under tents selling everything from tie-dyed t-shirts to puppets made of yarn that looked like dogs – and people were buying this crap. Main Street has been under the guise of a traveling carnival because Americans want to be entertained more than they want their local economy to flourish. Over 60% of the makeshift stores under tents are actually local businesses that the residents of the town would never venture into unless there was a parade prior to shopping.

We don’t have “mom and pop” shops, we have “mom and pop” road side attractions that entice us to spend money. It’s low budget advertisement in comparison to what the conglomerates pay in marketing to get you to buy their cheap shit. So, it always kind of irritates me when a politician’s main selling point is that they are going to “Bring back Main Street” and then look at me like I’m stupid when I ask “Oh, so, you’re going to be throwing more parades!”

Now, I can go off on a tangent about big corporations have taken over American small industry and business and about how out government subsidizes and panders to corporate lobbiest with substantial tax loopholes and shady legislation… yea, big business is BAD. But the reason Main Street failed isn’t because Big Business moved in. It’s because the citizens of a certain community allowed it to fail. You can do any google search as to communities that have marching protests of Wal-Marts who plan to build in the area and they all say “It will kill our small business!”….. um, not if you don’t shop there.

So, do I feel bad for infecting the congressional hopeful with a biological weapon known as the ‘common cold’? Not at all. Maybe while he’s laid up in bed for a few days he can figure out what’s going on and stop with the asinine talking points that just run in circles. Maybe he should have said something like “education” … “environment”… “making living affordable” — but then again, I have to remember I was in the office of the Republican headquarters.

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Separate, unique, and whole.

March 27, 2012 at 1:18 am (Dating)
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It’s been a whole hot minute since I’ve gotten somewhat personal up in the bitch… and well, since it’s Monday and all, can’t think of a good reason not to randomly just spit at you some of my own delusion in regards to how everyone should live their lives :)

“In order to love someone, you have to love yourself.”

I agree with this statement 110%. When you look around and you see single people, talk to them, try to understand them you’ll notice they all have one singular similarity. They are lonely. They seem to believe that the loneliness stems from not having a significant other to rely on, but in actuality they just are not comfortable with themselves in their own skin. When people look to other people to make them feel complete – they still have a void.

I spent a good part of 25 years looking for myself, and once I found myself… I didn’t like who I was. People tend to make lists, comprise characteristics, and fantasize about a person who has something to offer them, someone who they expect to be a certain criteria of things for them. After the fact they realize they are still unhappy. We can’t expect people to make us happy, we have to find happiness on our own.

So, after I decided who I was and that I didn’t like myself, I didn’t just go off an change everything about myself that I didn’t like. I manged to find a way to accept my faults as being part of the entity that makes up who I am. I tend to be crass, cynical, boisterousness – quit, timid, contemplative – I sound like a hyperventilating hyena when I think something is extremely funny, and I tend to have a warped sense of humor and view of things. These aren’t faults, they are quirks that make up who I am.

I lack appropriate emotional responses, and when I want to hurt someone I tend to use my words and I always aim below the belt. I tend to ignore people, even those I’m close to, for extended periods of time simply because I have nothing of real importance I want to talk about. I tend to dig at people, and what they think, I make them question themselves and who they are. And I do it for the lulz. Yea, those are some pretty rotten character traits.

BUT, when I decide to form an attachment to someone (rare as it is) I’m pretty ruthless with my loyalty. There isn’t a circle in hell unreachable nor uncross-able for me when it comes to trying to insure the happiness of those I care about. I’m slow to pass judgement on other’s negative traits because I can find justifiable reasons for them, everyone has “quirks”. I can always seem to make someone laugh or smile when they are facing what they think is their darkest hour, I find the most random optimism in my natural pessimistic outlook. I go out of my way to avoid killing bugs, and on rare moonlit afternoons on Tuesdays I have a prolific thought or point of enlightenment I’ll share.

So yea, I come with a lot of bad stuff, but there is some good stuff in there. There is no one in the world like me, though. Once my friend told me “You cannot be replaced. Trust me. I tried.” – kind of flattering. I’m a separate person from everyone else. I’m a unique person in my quirks and endearments. I’m a  whole person by myself… and though it took a while of writing bad poetry and facing my demons, in the end I realized I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be – and I’m pretty fucking awesome.

So, instead of sitting wondering what it is you want from somebody, concentrate on what it is you will be able to give someone, because if you don’t, even if you find the most perfect person in your ideal illusion you will have nothing to offer them and you will still be empty. It’s not about finding someone to complete you… it’s about finding someone to share with.

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“I have another site I want you to go sign up for!”

March 21, 2012 at 3:49 am (Dating)

Yea. Seriously. My friend told me that she had another dating site for me to look into. I dunno, I guess Mr. Amazing and I aren’t moving fast enough for her – which is surprising to me since I wasn’t aware we were really supposed to be moving anywhere. I spent the last week thinking, where am I supposed to go with this. I seriously lost sleep over this, like lots of sleep, and I like sleep.

So, yea, it got confusing. Do I like Mr. Amazing? Of course, he’s “Mr. Amazing” for a reason. Do I enjoy spending time with him? Yes. So, I should probably move in with Mr. Amazing and start planning our babies….. wait, wut? Why??! Hold on a hott fucking minute! Too Fast! Don’t like it! We’re still participating in lame movie dates and over coming my awkward responses to most things.

So, “is he your boyfriend” – the answer is no. “Is he your friend” – the answer is no. He’s simply “Mr. Amazing”… and what do amazing people do? They have fun :)

So, I’ve decided to pretty much ignore my friend on all accounts on this. Just because Mr. Amazing and I aren’t picking out our retirement home next week doesn’t mean I’m suppose to just go join another site and find another pseudo Mr. Amazing that I probably won’t even like in hopes that after 2 months we’re visiting jewelry stores picking out rings. That won’t happen. That creeps me out at the thought of it.

I don’t believe in butterflies, I believe they are a fleeting illusion people put in their heads of pre-conceived notions of emotions. That are really physical reactions produced by a chemical in the brain that encourages attraction and thus procreation. Yea, scientifically real feelings which have nothing to do with emotion. So, if someone were to ask if I felt “butterflies” – I’d laugh. It’s the fucking equinox! I have “butterfiles” for every fucking person walking on two legs.  That doesn’t mean anything.

I’m not completely void of emotion. I just understand the difference between real emotion and a chemically produced synthetic emotion. What to do with emotions when I have them is something I’m completely clueless about, but I’m sure I’ll I have to eventually cross that bridge…. but for right now, it’s just now. It’s not tomorrow or a week from now, or a year from now. It’s now. And now I’m having fun with someone new, interesting,…. and amazing :)

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Do you you (less than three) music?

March 9, 2012 at 4:27 am (Dating)
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This is going to sound rather cliche, but I like music. I know, I sound like 99.99999999998% of the population at large with that statement. Apparently the world likes music. Now, I wanted it noted that I said “I like music”. This means I have a certain inclination to appreciate certain genres. I’m pretty eclectic in my tastes for the most part, but I’d never go as far as to say I like “all” kinds of music. Because I don’t. Some shit seriously sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

Now, there are some people who love music. Sometimes I find myself jealous of these people and their passion for something that I can appreciate, but have really no ear or talent for. Mr. Amazing is one of the individuals who “loves” music. (Did you know he can play the guitar? Sexy right?) So, this guy has a wicked talent to not only be able to tell you the name of a certain song, but what album and track number it is… and possibly even the time frame within the song that you played him a clip of. It’s a cool party trick!

I’ve known some people in my life that have had a great fondness for music, but Mr. Amazing really likes music. I’m actually listening to the “mixed tape” he just gave me a few days ago (I’m a horrible procrastinator). This was a two disk set … like Smashing Pumpkins Melancholy and Infinite Sadness. Once he told me that no one ever in his entire existence ever made him a mixed tape… and since I’m a nice person I made him one. (Check me out doing nice things.) He said it was “weird”. —– Wait, wut? I’m not doing nice things anymore!!!!

He said it was kind of folky, and indie. Well, yea, I’m white. That’s what white people like. I can cite that from a book if it helps. (By the way, I just finished a book called “Stuff White People Like” … and I’m pretty white, not gonna lie).

“… and weird.”

Yea, I know, I’m probably just making something out of nothing. “Maybe he meant it as a compliment considering you can’t take a compliment for shit” blah blah blah. If I find out he likes Nickelback… it’s ON!

So, let’s take a tally of Mr. Amazing’s score… shall we?

+1:

  • He owns a guitar (a few actually) and knows how to play
  • He owns a library card, and uses it.
  • He actually thinks shit I say is funny
  • He can make a mean breakfast sammich
  • He has an ability to be sweet and endearing, but not in an over the top obviously fake and trying too hard kind of way
  • He can carry on an intelligent conversation – with himself too, which is another cool party trick

-1:

  • He said my taste in music was “weird”

Hrm. I’m not a math genius or anything, but it looks like he’s +5 at this point. I guess I have no choice but to continue to insist on keeping him.

—Oh, and since I’m fucking retarded at dating and feel stupid asking this to Mr. Amazing…. if a guy starts to plan a summer vacation involving you, does that mean it’s serious?

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Strawberry Fields Forever.

March 4, 2012 at 11:26 pm (Dating)
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Don’t you hate when you get a song stuck in your head… and all you can remember is one line of the chorus?

“Let me take you down, cause I’m going to strawberry fields.”

The other day Mr. Amazing and I went to the strawberry fields to pick strawberries, and it was seriously a gorgeous day. You know those kind of days when you just wish every day was just like that. That was the type of day it was. Absolutely muthafuckin PERFECT!

So, on a day when I should have Lou Reed “Perfect Day” playing in the back of my head I have one line from the Beatles haunting me with whatever the fuck the next lyric might be. Such is the disconnected neurons in my head. *sigh* – But that was really the only read damper on the day, and it was my own fault really for playing some twisted word association for a song that I barely know. — I know, “first world problems.”

So, we get to the strawberry fields after some sort of brunch meal and the man at the tent handing out baskets is recognizable to me. He’s aged a lot, but yea, same guy. He was the preacher of a local church for years (I took piano lessons from his wife when I was younger, though she decided to stop teaching me when I informed her that I wanted to play like Jerry Lee Lewis – that’s the “devil’s music” didn’t ya know)

Everyone who thinks they are cool flipping off the camera: Remember, our grandparents did that shit too.

Back to the perfect day – So, we approach this elderly gentleman to get our strawberry collecting bucket and this man states that we are “the most handsome couple he has seen there in the past 12 years”. Yea, maybe he’s full of shit… but he’s a god fearing man – so isn’t lying out of the equation? Maybe he wouldn’t have said that if he would have remembered that I wanted to learn the Devil’s Music, and Mr. Amazing just got through telling his opinion to a missionary outside of a supermarket. Would we have lost our status as “the most handsome couple.. EVER (in 12 years)”? Naw – we’re some pretty people.

I did notice something though. The elderly gentleman wanted to know our names… and for some fluke reason he wanted to know my last name as well. Maybe he was on to me! In situations like this I always throw out the name that people won’t associate with me. In doing this I realized that Mr. Amazing has never questioned my fluctuating last name. It’s usually one of the first questions I get asked, in fact I have a friend that makes fun of me for the plethora of last names I use. But he has never questioned it. So, I have two assumptions on this… he either doesn’t give a shit or he’s smart enough to figure out why I do it.

So, we’ve had our egos stroked, got a basket without being charged $.50 because we’re part of the beautiful people club and made our way to the back of the strawberry fields. We figured that would be where all the perfect strawberries were! Yea, all the perfectly green, unripe strawberries. This made hunting for the “perfect” strawberry more fun.. and like everything I do, we had to make it a competition as to who could find the most super awesome looking strawberry!

This picture is a LIE!

So, we made it through a row with probably a total of 10 strawberries we both deemed worthy enough for our collection of things beautiful people accept and Mr. Amazing decides we should probably just leave the strawberry fields and go behind closed gates into tunnels and whatnot. Did I mention this guy is amazing? I didn’t have to persuade him to break the rules .. I didn’t even have to suggest anything. He’s a rule breaker all on his own which means that I can’t be blamed for any sort of corruption.

So, we’re in a tunnel and he’s showing me the echo’s of the “Mexican Pride Yell” (apparently that’s what it’s called. I’m going to invent the ‘Caucasian groan’ – and I just noticed you can’t spell ‘caucasian’ without ‘asian’.) So, while I’m laughing and groaning at the white boy bellowing a Mexican Pride Yell trying to encourage me to do it too… I have one lyric to a fucking song stuck in my head. I was starting to wish “I can ride my bike with no handle bars” would pop back into my head.

So, we leave the restricted area and make our way back to the field of green strawberries and proceed to pick the cream of the crop. Towards the end on our way back a child a few rows over yells out that she found the perfect strawberry. I’m not going to lie. At first I was hit with a pang of jealousy at the idea that she found a better strawberry than me! Then Mr. Amazing says something pretty fucking deep. He quoted a line from The Last Samurai… “If you spent your life looking for the perfect lotus flower, it wouldn’t be a wasted life…….. because you’d see all lotus flowers are perfect.” With that he picked a deformed strawberry that looked like an elephant’s trunk and announced that we were keeping that one. — he gives words of wisdom, I give him a button that says “MATH: if it were easy it would be your mom”.

So, in all this – I have a profound thought to share. The idea of perfection is an illusion. Our expectations and ideas as to what is considered perfect are embedded in us through a social stigma, and therefore not our own. There is perfection in everything… I may not be beautiful like you, but I’m beautiful like me. In it’s own way everything has it’s beauty – we just need to see beyond conforming aesthetics and reach our own opinion of what is beautiful. See Rembrandt in a Picasso or vice versa.

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The way to a girl’s heart… books.

February 28, 2012 at 3:08 am (Dating)
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So, I came to work today pretty bummed. You see, I’ve been having an amazing love affair for a little over a year now. It’s been amazing! I’ve laughed, cried, shouted obscenities,  and fallen in love over a dozen of times. Thanks to Mr. Nook, I have been able to fill whatever void my life might of had with books.

I’m not even picky about what I read. I’ll seriously read anything which is what makes me a great candidate to read whatever book someone suggests to me on a whim. My Nook library is pretty eclectic.

So, why is today a bummer? I left my lover at home. Yea, I know… the idea of crying did come to mind, but I like to think I’m stronger than that. So, what happens when I leave my lover at home? Mr. Super Amazing Spectacular brings me a book. – It’s a real book. I really like the smell of books too. Is it weird that I sniffed his book?

So, who is my favorite person today? Mr. Amazing!! He wins the prize. I almost want to make a overly girly bookmark for this book with his name surrounded by hearts … almost. Well, I still might, it depends on how good the book is.

Downside about borrowing books? I can write in them. I can’t highlight in them. I can’t dog ear pages. I can’t lick the cover and yell “MINE!”

Anyway, I didn’t have much to say… I just wanted to brag about how awesome Mr. Amazing is today.

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We are the enemy.

February 24, 2012 at 2:59 am (Randomness)
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Someone asked me the other day why I follow politics. I wouldn’t necessarily say I follow politics, it’s just a side project of what I do follow. I follow society, and society is controlled by politics. A by product of this fascination of mine means that I know a thing or two about politics.

A few weeks ago I was watching a documentary by Steven Fry in which he travels to every state in America to get to know the landscape, people, and customs. For those of you who are not aware of who Steven Fry is … he’s a British personality who reports for the BBC. (He also played Oscar Wilde in the film Wilde — which surprisingly enough didn’t make Wilde unattractive to me like I thought it would. Maybe I’m not really that shallow after all)

So, as Fry is making his voyage up and down the map of the United States it becomes quite apparent that for one country, there is quite a wide variety of beliefs and cultures. I understand this enlightenment isn’t anything new. America was founded by people of different cultures and backgrounds. It’s what makes us collectively unique. This has me thinking, however. With such diversity in culture and beliefs how is it that we can create a single party system that benefits the majority as a whole. We can’t.

America, if anything, is driven by ingenuity – or it’s a country that was. We always had a knack of figuring shit out. We created the first system of mass transport, we created the light bulb, the telephone, we set goals and put a flag on the moon. We came out of a depression stronger and better than ever. I have such admiration for the country we used to be. Though, I’m reasonable enough to realize that we are not that country anymore, and we need to stop pretending we are.

We have found ourselves stuck in a world that is evolving and we seem to keep destroying what is left of the world in an effort to try to save what we once were. Change is life’s only real constant and though it can be frightening it can also be exciting. I was reading an article on the Huffington Post internet news site a bit ago. The article was about Bradley Manning and his refusal to enter a plea deal for his “crimes”. This made me want to give him a fist bump! For those of you who are not familiar with Bradley Manning, he is being charged with “aiding the enemy” – or sharing classified documents with Wikileaks. At some point, Wikileaks and it’s founder Julian Assange have been determined to be the “enemy”. Part of the information Madding allegedly leaked to Wikileaks was a video of a US Apache helicopter in operation killing a news reporter. — And somehow this makes Wikileaks the enemy.

It’s become apparent over the last several months, maybe even closer to a year since the Arab Spring that we, the collective informed masses who are enlightened, who read, who are able to discern between right and wrong, who are able to see the injustice of a military person being held for trial for showing the world what war crimes are being committed - are the enemy. On December 31, 2011 – my birthday – Obama signed into legislation NDAA. This was a controversial bill and now a controversial law stipulating the measures the government can take to “protect our security”. As a disclaimer Obama stated that no American citizen would be detained under his administration. (this is the same guy who won the election on the platform to close Guantanamo) Maybe he didn’t get the memo but we don’t have life long presidents and his administration is limited to possibly at most 5 years, at the very least less than one.

So, with the confidential government cover-ups being exposed, laws being passed allowing detention without trial of civilians should they seem to pose a threat to the country, and bills being thrown around left and right trying to apply censorship across the tubes we like the call the “internet”… it’s kind of apparent who the enemy is. The entire world is facing a financial crisis, our resources are being depleted, our atmosphere is deteriorating, fundamental necessities such as air and water are being polluted, and our food is being injected with poisons and slapped with a patent.

In all this chaos and disorder – at a pivitoal time in our worlds history and our civilization’s dependency on constructive, ecological, lasting change…. our country, the same country I consider a past beacon to the world who needed to break free from tyrany… is trying to rally behind this guy:

^THAT

The fact that this man has garnered so much support in the past few months since the primaries have opened up really does worry me. It’s is like we are living in our own little world in America and not paying attention to anything beyond the extension of our own hand.

Okay, before I continue, I want it known that I really don’t support any candidate for the office of the presidency of the United States at this moment. Yes, I do vote, and when the time comes I will vote for the one that I think sucks less. Last summer when I was doing a bit of research over the presidential hopefuls I can across Santorum. Actually I came across the definition of Santorum and laughed my ass off. After going over this man’s ideas and beliefs I decided he ranked right up there with Michele Backmann as ever having a legit chance. I would have given Rick Perry better odds. — But on February 7th, this man won all three primaries held that day – WUT?!?!

I’m truly baffled. Does gay/lesbian rights (or lack there of) and reproductive rights really take precedence over global stabilization?  Does the notion of preemptive war with yet another country for “security” really out weigh the cost of what war has already costs us? Bradley Manning is, in my opinion, a hero. He’s the cog in the social structure that I look for and politics just happens to get in the way. He point blank exposed to the masses (allegedly) what was going on behind the “War on Terror” … and we, our nation, was too busy watching dumbed down reality television to care.

We are the enemy. The enemy to the power structure, and the enemy to ourselves. There isn’t one set ideology that can encompass what our nation represents. For every “ism” there will always be an “anti-ism” – but there has to be something that, though it’s not perfect, will work better than what we have now. Maybe if we started thinking of ourselves as human beings first, and American’s second… who knows?

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Believing in anything isn’t “dumb”.

February 23, 2012 at 12:30 am (Randomness)

You unlucky suckers. So, for lent I opted to give up Facebook for 40 days and right now I’m several hours into my “day of fasting” – which leaves me this one outlet to complain, moan, and utterly force my opinion on people. So, congratulations. This blog entry has absolutely nothing to do with “dating” or old people. It’s just me… being me.

So, what brought about today’s entry (other than lack of anything to do while sitting here at work unless I catalog my ebooks on my Nook into certain ‘shelves’) – I decided to partake in a little “bloggers game”. I came here from reading my friend Megan’s blog. By the way, Megan is a super amazing person and I love that she’s so fecking open and is willing to bear her soul for all the world to see. If you have a few hours to spare go plunder through what she has to say. -Anyway, she started her blog today from what I assume is some sort of challenge set forth by another blogger (one of whom I didn’t even know existed until Megan told me) But she asked the question: “what is one dumb thing that you used to believe in?”.

Now, Megan’s answer might seem a bit sporadic from where she initially started to answer, but her resolute answer left more of an impact in a profound worldly sense than the initial author and instigator of this challenge. In analyzing Megan’s answer it is quite apparent that it’s not that she doesn’t believe in something considered in her eyes now as “dumb” – it is simply that she believes in something more. She believes in herself, and that is anything but dumb.

People base beliefs on what “works for them.” And to construe that some faction of a belief is “dumb” discredits a person’s own interpretation on how they choose to live their own life. Last night, I was apparently in an argumentative mood, and while talking with a friend (and by talking I mean arguing every point she tried to bring up) – I learned that people form beliefs without having to have some sort of idealistic and logical justification for. As I mentioned I am participating in lent this year. Not because I’m catholic. I don’t believe in the catholic doctrine. I am participating because I believe in certain aspects of people’s quest for a spiritual awakening. I can rid my life of trivial first world indulgences and go a day without eating, and not because a certain secular religion has proclaimed that I should.

As far as my friend. The discussion to participate in lent initially started months back. She identifies more with the “catholic” doctrine and rituals for spiritual guidance than any other secular Christian theology because that’s how  she was raised and that is where she finds her spiritual comfort. In deciding to participate in lent I naturally just assumed it was something she did every year. She was giving me examples of things she had given up in the past when I was trying to decide what it was that I would forgo for the 40 day stretch. However, last night when I was talking to her – the night before lent was to begin, she told me she wasn’t going to participate this year, or not really participate.

Needless to say, this irked me. I was taking this more seriously than she was and it is a custom subscribed to by a particular belief structure that I didn’t support or believe in yet she could relate to it. WTF!?! So, this leads to an argument, lead the only way I know how to argue, in which I rebutted each and every point she made to contrast with the belief structure she claims to relate to. I gave up Facebook, which was one of my primary sources of entertainment while at work, and she can’t give up mind rotting television? Maybe I missed the point, but I’m sure the purpose was to give up something hard, something to teach humility, something to create some inner awareness. It’s just one of many paths people choose in order to discover something about themselves or about their God or Gods.

It has been documented by physicists and philosophers alike that we, us, everything around us, is made up of the matter of the stars. We carry within ourselves the secrets and all that is ethereal in regards to the cosmos. It’s the same matter. A belief – a true belief – is something we internalize. Even believing in nothing is a belief in itself. While people are searching for all the answers to the  universe through microscopes and telescopes, I believe that the real answers to what we truly seek lie within us. It’s all the same. For a person to truly know themselves and what they believe in is simply found from within. Once they know themselves, all the secrets of the universe will be theirs.

So, do I think my friend’s beliefs are “dumb”? – no. Do I think my beliefs are “dumb”? – no. Do I even think Megan’s former belief is “dumb”? – no. What we believe today helps us gain perspective as to what we will believe tomorrow. Will I challenge people in what they believe? Absolutely. Will I argue with them and make them defend their beliefs? Yes. Because beliefs should evolve as ourselves evolve. Just because you don’t believe in something today that you believed in before doesn’t discredit the belief …. it was just a step on the latter to get you to who you are today. We are our own best teachers in life.

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Oops… My Bad?

February 20, 2012 at 12:36 am (Dating)

Yea, yea… so I get it. Long time, no hear – right? Well, whatever. I never set a schedule for when I’d blog. I just said I would blog. So here I am, blogging. Smile about that.

So, in a nutshell let me tell you exactly how man “dates” that would be classified as  such I’ve been on. Probably …. three maybe. I don’t know. Math is hard. It’s all basically been with the same guy though. You know, the one I wanted to stop my foot about screaming “I WANT THIS ONE!” This did get a bit of backlash from my friends — putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. But, I have a habit of doing things my way, and my way is usually the hard way. So yea, I pretty much focused all my attention on this one guy.

So, about this guy. He’s actually quite amazing. He’s odd, but in a way that counters my oddness while complimenting it so it balances out to where I guess you could say we both make each other appear normal in our own heads. So yea, either he plays an amazing game or he’s fucking awesome!

In the 3+ weeks since my last blog I’ve been ‘seeing’ this guy. I guess that’s the correct term – and taking things slow. And by slow I mean sllloooowww. Snails probably progressed faster in personal relationships than we did – but that’s okay. I kind of liked slow. I was different. There was no pressure. Just some people hanging out doing things and having fun. (Typical friend stuff)… only during this time I was figuring out how to go completely gaga for someone who was probably going to be my new best friend. At one point I decided he was gay or I was just gross. I was betting on me being gross.

So, where did my “oops” come from? Well, I went over to his house, we did some sort of spray glue art project, watched a movie, iced a cake. You know, friendly things. And as I was falling asleep on his couch I mentioned that he couldn’t sleep balled up on the couch too. No one would be comfortable. (Yea, I kicked him off his own couch). So, in a friendly manner we decided just to share the damn bed and go to sleep. … And oops… he’s not gay. So, we went from calling the batter up to hit to a full home run, and now it’s time for me to be weird about shit.

First off. I did make remarkable progress by not doing the “walk of shame” while he was still sleeping. I should get some pats on the back for actually staying. But I can’t help but feel like this “oops” has probably made things a bit awkward.  I’m awkward anyway, and I know what my typical reaction would be. Ignore it and it will go away. So, honestly, that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.  Since somehow we managed to fuck up “slow” in the most non-slow way possible…. I have absolutely no clue where I’m going or what I’m doing. This is not WINNING.

So, as of right now… the plan is self preservation. Fuck everything else.

 

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